NB: This is a comic piece. It is the fourth in the series. I am sure you will enjoy yourself...as usual.
It really took time for the young man preparing the food to finish. I had sleepily but hungrily rolled on the edges of the mat I spread outside, waiting. The hunger was biting. The sachet water I had been sipping to palliate the savage worms in my stomach had failed to yield result. Instead, the worms became more angry that instead of telling them the truth, I was trying to pull a fast one on them. I tried reading Bessie's classic 'When rain clouds gather' to suppress the pain but I could not really concentrate. Hunger is stronger than book, you know. When will he be ready? I murmured quietly wit a wry expression on my grim face.
When he was finally done, he said we'll have to wait for one of us who was busy doing only God knows what. I was infuriated. But I must control it, as a man or I could embarrass myself. I had hurried to the seat made for me thinking to start eating immediately. But after his shocking and disgusting news, I decided to handle it in strides. I feigned indifference and turned away from the tempting rice.The worms in me were disappointed. At their closesth inch to victory, I messed up big time. They had caught the aroma of the rice and were very expectant before I dashed their hope with my tardiness. Desperate, I felt the worms growing hands and longing to reach for some pieces.When their attempt failed, they angrily pulled at my intestines. It hurts. Five minutes gone and there was no stirring.
My patience was growing thin. Why for God's sake should anybody hold me to ransom when I contributed for this damn food? I was close to losing my patience now. Then the 'delayer' showed up and apologized. Who cares, buzz off, I muttered in the dark.Now may we start? Someone has to pray on the food.Prayer again? Praying at meals sometimes can be hard o. The reason is that at the point of hunger, words can go wrong. And before prayer turns to curse, you must be wise. Even there are times meal prayer does not last for more than five seconds especially when the hunger is serious. It has to be sharp-sharp. You can guess the mantra. It's a childhood primary school prayer-'Bless this Food Oh Lord for Christ's sake, Amen. It is recited it with accustomed ease and speed.
Back to my dinner. While one of the zealous bro was busy firing prayer, my instinct told me to open my eyes. I snapped an eye and discovered the spoons were not complete. One is missing. I did a fast calculation. There are five of us, there are four spoons which means somebody has to pay, that must not be me. As soon as the prayer was over, I quickly made to grab one of the four spoons.Don't call it greed or selfishness. It is wisdom. If you are not wise in this world, you'll die of hunger.Your obituary would aptly read: 'Died of indiscretion' (laughing....)
With my portion guaranteed, I pointed out to the others that the spoons were incomplete. Somebody has to look for a spoon while the rest of us eat, I observed as I chuckled with a glint of triumph inside.
Olamide lightly ran his nimble hand beside the large tray on which the two steaming bowls of rice were seating and seething to the brim like a Kilimanjaro of impossibility.He found the missing spoon. I gasped. No qualms. Shall we begin? Yes.'Two plates of rice.Five big mouths.'I was thinking fast.How do I ensure I belle-food o because I dey fear these lions.Then a mischievous idea dropped in. Nice one.
'I observed that the four bros were dealing with a single plate,I decided to be different.I balanced on the second plate,alone. It's not greed, I've corrected you before, it's sound wisdom. Okay? So don't laugh at me.
For crying out loud, there was not enough stew to eat the pathetic rice self. In fact the fish will not be enough' I grumbled silently under my breath while shovelling the dry rice into my buccal cavity. Something told me to hurry up because once these fiercely hungry guys finish with their plate, they will be coming after mine. No time for water. Here's my chance to guzzle fast before they catch up with me. Rat race. But I found out they were just too fast, way too fast. It seemed one of them had a cooling device in his mouth. I always feared Kosin (not real name) because he eats like a prisoner on parole. At this point, I stopped cooling each spoon before eating. It was hard for me. Chei! I hurt my gum. It's peeling already. But I hid the pain.They must not know.(Hope you're not laughing?)
In the end, we emptied the two plates and it appeared everyone was satisfied except one person--me. I mourned my loss and sadly returned to bed, still hungry and very angry.
PS: what you just read is a blend of facts and fiction. There was actually a dinner of this nature. But the musings here are purely imaginative. They do not reflect the writer's thought process at the dinner. Did I try?
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